For awhile there, I was thinking that I could go ahead and get rid of this blog. I was feeling pretty great about being a mom...about my year-old son...who seemed to be doing well. Our transition to day care went well. A walking and talking Owen was certainly much easier to deal with than the crying infant Owen.
Today marks the exasperation point of what has been building for about 2 months or so. Today, Owen bit the hell out of EJ, a 9 month old who is quite innocent in the adventure..just sitting there, playing with a toy.
Owen grabs EJ faster than lightening, pulls his head to his mouth and chomps down with 7 1/2 of his 11 teeth. He left a fairly ugly and certainly large red mark on EJ..complete with blood bruising..but managed not to break the skin.
I was mortified, embarrassed, sad...just beside myself. It's not the first time he's done it.
This is my son.
This isn't anyone else's son.
Lately, he flings his body all over the place in anger..or defiance...or willfulness. He seems much more like a 2 year old..complete with tempertantrums. When he doesn't like something, he becomes a ragdoll...falls to the floor, or when carrying him it becomes like holding jello...arching his back, shrieking, wailing, and in general a positive joy to be around. But only for me or my husband. I actually enjoy taking him to daycare..I'm free and ....he behaves "fine" for them. I hate that.
And what's been building over the last 2 months is my aggravation and hatred of his acts. I can't seemingly control them, and consequently, I feel out-of-control and resentful. All over again. It likens to my experience with my colicky, whiny, crying baby boy of 6 months ago. Those were the days when I would put the screaming monster in his crib..let him cry for what seemed like hours...and was probably only 45 minutes while I showered and tried to wash motherhood away.
It's back. That feeling of needing to escape this thing..this monster...this crazily independent little boy who exasperates me to no end...and makes me wish I had some other kind of life. Motherless is the appealing version. Free.
I feel badly for all of this. Guilt streaks through me...constantly. I am not the Mom wishing for another baby...ready to try for #2. I am the mom who wonders why I ever wanted kids in the first place...wondering "why me?" far too often. I am the mom who experiences dread when he wakes up from a nap. I am the mom who wonders: "What's wrong with me? Why don't I love this? Why is this so hard for me and easy for others? Why is he like this? What do I do about this now?" Today I win the Mother-of-the-Year award for being alone in this realm...being afraid to verbalize that I'm not feeling very good at being a mom...that maybe I hate it.
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8 comments:
Oh, Amy. I hurt for you just reading that.
Please know that, even for those of us who want another, it's very rarely easy. All of our kids have outbursts. Talia does all of it, and not only for me! She'll tantrum for just about anyone with or without cause... I don't think it's easy for anyone. We're in your ship as it takes on water. :)
Secondly, I do think having grownup time helps a lot. We made a deal that even if we had to eat ramen to cover it, we're hiring a babysitter every two weeks just to go out together and talk and have a glass of wine. My offer for free babysitting is still valid.
As a last point, I'm sure you know... kids bite! You have a dog; you know that nonverbal/preverbal creatures use their mouths to explore the world and express themselves. Talia's been bitten many times; so has EJ.
We'll all recover.
I forgot to say: Life was easier for all of us before we had children. I miss how easy my life was, and I miss it all the time. What kind of person doesn't miss the freedom she previously had? That doesn't mean you don't love Owen, that you aren't a good mom. It just means you're human.
It's kind of the same for marriage, right?
Dearest Amy,
I OFTEN feel that way: don't understand how other women are ready for number 2 so soon after number 1; exasperated; exhausted; can't wait to drop him off...
Recently I left him at daycare until 6pm sharp cause I still was trying to regroup from our difficult morning.
May I offer the one thing that helps ME? Time outs. Yes, they suck. Who wants to do time outs? Don't we all want children who simply behave well all the time? But that's just not going to happen. Anyway, the time outs are for me. They give me a much needed two minute break from my son to regroup.
Another suggestion? Lean on mommy friends/family and all other support (therapists, daycare teachers, church, ...) available to get all the help you can to get through this.
Yes, it feels terrible to want to ship your child away. I ask myself why I want/wanted children if I just want to ship him away all the time. But you know what? I think alot of us need the time away to be better mothers when we are with our kids. So if you need a night off or a weekend off, take it. It'll certainly be worth it.
Eilat
Hi, Amy.
I can't offer much that will help you right now unfortunately, But I can, like Lydia, suggest you go out and have fun some night and let me watch Owen for you! I sure hope you'll consider taking someone up on the offer.
Big hugs and support.
Christina
Amy,
I can relate to so much of what you posted, and it's reassuring to hear that other mothers are chiming in and affirming your feelings. Mothering is HARD. It's comforting that women are finally saying to each other, "You know what? This isn't fun much of the time!" In the not-so-distant past, women didn't talk about things like this. I'm so glad we can vent to each other and recognize that we all essentially feel the same way.
I have had several days lately when I just wanted to be, to use your word, FREE. And I mean free from it all: kids, pets, marriage. Those are the times when I TRY to make a little "gratitude list" in my head (thank you, Oprah). There are some days when I feel guilty about trying to sneak some time doing things that I need for myself, and then I remember that if I'm not happy and centered, no one is. So, if that means letting the twins cry in their cribs for a little while as I finish reading a chapter, so be it. It's not the worst thing in the world, and dare I say it actually may teach them a little patience?
As far as the biting goes, NO ONE is exempt from this one. Gavin and Charlotte are biting each other constantly, although this is more of a problem for Charlotte than Gavin, as Gavin has 8 teeth and Charlotte just cut two very tiny ones. This too shall pass....
I hope you have several easy days in a row...time to regroup and recenter. If all else fails, call out sick from work, drop Owen off at daycare, and spend the day at a spa. I'll go with you. :)
Well, EJ is fine and you can hardly even see the bruise anymore...I know this was so much harder on you than it was on us! He will be bitten many more times, I'm sure, and will bite others if he ever gets any teeth. This is just the way it goes!
My only 2 cents is, like Amy said, this too shall pass. Like I was saying to you yesterday, we're in a nice spot right now with EJ, where he sleeps well, plays well, etc. This is great after months where he made me cry all the time with all of his screaming, fussing, and lack of sleep. But I don't doubt that this will change as he gets more mobile and more independent. As we've gone through other rough times with EJ, I remember saying to my mom that I could take it so much better if I just knew how long this tough stage was going to last. And she has said to me that throughout motherhood that question will keep popping up again and again: How long will this rough phase last? I'm sure she has even said it about me recently as we have had some bumps in our relationship.So I guess if it helps at all to say that in the big picture of motherhood, these rough times will come and they will certainly GO as well...we just have to try to make it through the rough times as best as we can and know that they will pass.
Lots of hugs-
Carolyn
Amy, thank you for expressing what we may not be able to, have time for, or feel we just "can't" say! I was just wondering/thinking to myself this past week, holy crap, this only gets harder!
I too crave my freedom of the good 'ole days and am in NO WAY (via my uterus or some Vietnamese woman) interested in child #2. While I believe that I found a new normal for our family, I feel as if I have and continue to neglect myself in this process. So in going to work, dropping Oren off at day care stirs up feelings of guilt from time to time, working is part of what I need for myself to be the best mom possible.
As for Oren - there is not a visit from EJ that goes by without him pulling out his eyeball, his hair, mouth or fingers and EJ crying. As a matter of fact, we can not put EJ on the floor alone iwth Oren... they will have funny stories for eachother when they get older!
Amy - just keep in mind why you started this blog, MOTHERHOOD IS F*^#@** HARD! And even if there are times that lag and we don't post that is ok... it is there for the times we need it most! :)
You are not alone.. we are in this together! Oh and ps... Oren is a TOTAL handful! It is all about search and destroy! Argh... nothing is sacred.
xoxoxox
Carly
Dear Amy,
I too am so sorry to hear about your frustration right now. You're right-mothering is VERY hard. Some days are wonderful and everything feels so easy and then other days I want to pull my hair out. (Like right now Julia has been screaming in her crib for almost an hour, refusing to take a nap). Lately she's been waking up crying at night because of her molars (I spoke too soon when I said that they weren't bothering her). I feel so annoyed when she wakes up and then guilty at the same time. It's not her fault that she's in pain. But then I think, why can't I just get a good night sleep like before? But like many others said, this too shall pass. (I hope!)
There are many times in the past 16 months as a stay at home mom that I've thought, why isn't this more fun? Why am I not enjoying it more? Why is it hard to find time to keep the house clean and have dinner on the table if I'm home all day? The answer is that it's not always easy. I feel like it took me about a year to get adjusted to this major life change (plus moving, etc.) and now I finally do appreciate this time that I have with Julia more. But it took awhile to get here and I have still have good and bad days.
I thank YOU for being so honest about your feelings and starting this blog in the first place. It is so helpful to have a place to share. And reading your blog (and everyone's comments) just reaffirms what Lydia said, "That we're all human."
Lots of love,
Lisa
P.S. I also agree that getting out is important and would be happy to offer my free babysitting services. Or, maybe even a girl's "day" could be fun too.
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